at what point does the wind enter and push you where you need to go? at what moment in the journey do the clouds disperse and when does the vision become something i can hold on to? there may never be a point in time that rushes to me where things seem clear and honest. maybe nothing is real, after all.

i have an intense anger problem. i've been an extremely angry person since i was 8 years old. i have a great talent for being mean. i get along really well with miserable old guys in bars who can make people laugh for hours. they end up looking at me funny, like i'm one of them, and they say "i knew theres something i liked about you". is that really what i want to be like? is anyone really what they want to be like? i don't know. how do you know those things?

i made an extreme mistake with one of my good friends that no one knows about aside from myself. no one may ever know about it, but i do, and that is enough to eat away at me. i thought i could control my anger while at the same time respecting my promise to be forthright. but this image replays itself in mind and when it does it brings tears to my eyes. and then i feel scathed and angry and absolutely livid. i think of what i can do to make it better and in the end i only know one thing. take myself away. take myself away. take... myself... away.

i've been deeply bothered for the past few weeks. i can't seem to let go of anything and i'm holding the world on my shoulders. i almost always keep my cool. i'm never honest when i think it is too difficult for me to be. i cannot reveal when something hurts me. i do not put myself in a position to be hurt anymore. i am so far from what i thought i was that i wonder if i ever really was it - i think i was. but i've developed a sense of feeling, or a distraught pain from holding in too much, that i don't know how to hold myself up anymore.

since i've been home i've not been doing well. but i haven't been doing horribly, either. last week i lost control of myself and i was left with too much time to think. i stayed by myself for the holidays and i didn't leave my apartment. i didn't give any gifts or get any and i was oddly ok with that. but at some point i started to get really nervous and time stopped existing and i was in the neverending sleep/wake/sleep/wake/sleep to breathe/sleep to keep from dying cycle that i haven't flirted with in a while.

nothing is comfortable anymore. i have complete control over myself. i've lost complete control over myself.

i came home from work livid the other night. i'm used to dealing with my anger on my own but my face doesn't lie. maggie asked me what i was mad about and i said nothing. so she started going down the list of possiblities to which i answered "no, no, no, no, no, no" and when she finally hit it, i smiled. and then i said "no". she begged me to tell her and i said "no, i will talk about it until it is over, and if it is never over, then i will never say anything". and she said she didn't understand how i could do that, and that if she were me, she would be venting. and i told her there is no part of me that has the ability to explain to her the reason i am so angry. like, i actually cannot say "i am angry because _____________" i can't even type it here even though the person involved could never see it.

i know - just do it. just do it. just do it.

i can't.

last week my friend freaked out when he tried to fly to CA with his family. he got so far as to sit in the plane and then he lost it. he had to get off the plane and go home by himself while his family went to CA. so he stayed home alone for the week, disappointed in himself, because he couldn't face his fear.

we all have fears. i'm allowed to have one. baring things i cannot control is one of them.

i talk to myself so much that i start to get really nervous when other people are around. i feel like i might just start having a conversation with myself, forgetting that they're their, and whatever i say might be so on point and true, and completely not me [in their eyes] that i will have a lot of explaining to do. the other day, in silent conversation with myself, i said it all perfectly. i knew i had said it right when i cried. it's been a while since tears have escaped from my eyes.

i need a creative outlet. i've been thinking of different projects to either develop or join in on. ideally i will create something. i have a few ideas that might suit my needs, but i want it to go beyond writing. i want anything.

i stopped eating all sorts of things. i'm getting quite particular about the ingredients in my life. i'm picking up, putting down, sorting around - filling up, filling out, and freaking out and things that normally don't matter to me. this is typical for when i lose control of my mind. i must take control elsewhere and that is usually with material things. in the end, i'm very tired. when i close my eyes, my mind is racing, and i haven't been able to catch a break from myself.

i haven't taken any drugs though i've thought about it somewhat frequently.

i feel like i've reached a point in my life where i need to commit to something. i'm so in between a million things. i'm dishonest with my friends about their value in my life. i'm not speaking to one of my parents due to something i cannot articulate to them. the other i speak to but i don't actually say anything. i ignore emails from a lot of people because i legitimately think that they are spying on my life in order to tell other people [who i have cut out of my life] what is going on with me. i've thought that maybe the only way to deal with that is to stop being so private and just let it all go. but i also really respect people who hold on to it so well.

did you know that JD Salinger is still alive? he lives in NH and he just turned 90 the other day. happy belated birthday, JD. but he lives a secret and secluded life that nobody knows about. he has successfully created this safe life for himself, free of public interference. his neighbors don't give him up and reporters and seekers have been unable to get a fair stab at him. isn't that remarkable? to be such a famous, respected and talented person - behind a couple of cult classics - and then just being able to disappear. i think that is incredible and if i were to ever be an amazing person, i'd want it to end like that.

some people think he just stopped writing completely. others think that he will leave behind novels to be published after he dies. and some think he will burn them so no one will get a chance to read them. i guess within the next 10 to 20 years we may or may not know the answer to that.

i've been obsessed with my face lately. not in a really intersting way, i just started thinking that i have a lot of wrinkles and i look really old. in reality, i don't, i know that, but i put cream on my face everyday - "just in case". i used to be really against doing things like that. but i guess we all crash and burn at some point.

last week i decided i was going to bring back the side pony tail. i realize that it's already be brought back, but i'm going to bring it even better. i think i was meant for the side ponytail.

my hair is a constant point of contention in my life. the other day i was putting a futon together and my hair got stuck in the wooden slats and i got so frustrated i almost ripped it out. and then i closed the car window and my hair got stuck in it but i didn't notice until an hour later when i moved my head to pick something up and i heard 50 hairs snap out of my head. i was livid. i was so angry that i just screamed. it fucking hurt too! i don't know how people with long hair live like this. i feel like i am stuck in a trap and its getting more and more fucked up by the minute.

i have an intense fear of hair salons. i talk about this all the time. i just fucking hate them. i need to find a person who can cut my hair the way i want it cut. i have this perfect idea in my mind and illustrated on hair, i just need it to get done. i don't feel like any conventional person who knows nothing about me is capable of doing what i want them to do. and they probably wouldn't do it even if they did know how to do it.

BUT long story short: i want this hair off of my fucking head. i've been thinking about cutting bangs. i might just do it myself. god i will hate myself if i do that, but i don't even care anymore, it will assist me on my lie hiatus.

the other day i thought of completely shaving my head and traveling south america for 6 months and returning only when my hair was done growing back. the hair acting an indicator of my readiness to rejoin society as a functional and viable member. well if that had any truth to it i would be the cream of the crop, son.

someone i talk a lot a shit about was at my house the other day visiting my roommate and he referred to me as "a super rad chick". that is the type of bitch i am. i have said a lot of shitty things about him and referred to him as a joke on many occasions. and when i thought i about it i realized that i had no reason AT ALL to dislike him. the only thing he did to me was hit on me, hard, a couple years ago. apparantly thats all it takes to get me to hate your bloody guts t'death. i might stop being so judgemental. i don't know.

i talked to marvin on the phone for a few hour the other night. he makes me laugh and laugh. when he was telling me a story he said "i only remember the punchline.. i can't remember what led up to it at all" and then it made sense. his jokes may be planned. either way, he is incredibly funny and i needed a laugh.

i do miss a lot of my korea friends. i was thinking about the friends that i made there - they were really good friends. just real people who i would never associate with under any circumstance other than - we are stuck together in a foreign country and its boring. we forced ourselves, or maybe i forced myself, to let them know me and vice versa. they kind of got me a bit by the end. at least they understood my sense of humor and ducked before i threw a punch, i guess that is all you really need to know about me.

anyway, as i'm nearing the end of this journal entry, i've nearly decided that it just has to go like this right now. i'm not ready to change every part of myself. i know i've made an mistake and that i am in the wrong, but i cannot be the one to stand up and reveal myself because that will put me in a position that is much more horrible than before. i am patient, and life might pass me by, but it just feels better this way. or does it?

i don't know. that is the point: i don't know.

" “We didn’t find any bruises or injuries on her body,” said Ms. Hu, the mother. “But she lost all her nails. She was trying to scratch her way out. I think my daughter suffocated to death.”

Mr. Li, the father dressing his dead daughter, also said he believed that the school was poorly built. He arrived at the school minutes after the quake and spent the next four hours searching for his daughter. His forearms were bruised and his fingernails were split and bloodied from digging.

He proudly handed over his cellphone and showed a picture of his daughter, Ke, taken last week. But Thursday morning, he and his wife were preparing for her cremation. They struggled to slip her into the pink pajamas and then dressed her in a gray sweatshirt and pants. Her mother placed a white silk mourning cloth under her clotted black hair.

Mr. Li said he lost his job in 1997 and had been living on a meager welfare payment. He said the school was filled with children from poor families. “My daughter was a very good student,” he said. “She was a quiet girl, and she liked to paint. We’re putting her in these clothes because she loved them.”

He said he was angry and sad. He said his daughter’s body was still warm when he found her at the morgue on Wednesday. He wondered how long she lived beneath the rubble. And then he turned away, leaning down slightly, and whispered in her ear.



“My little daughter,” he said quietly. “You used to dress yourself. Now I have to do it for you.”"

A new little friend.

Pneumonia in Korea, I bet you're jealous.

Aside from that, A+ to everyone else.

So tired, very happy, and on and on.

I have the worst headache on earth coupled with the most annoying situation in the world paired with a hyped up bestfriend coming tomorrow and a week long family vacation to live through, babysitting to do on thursday, moving out to do this weekend, a lot of goodbyes the following week and a 24 hour plane ride to korea.

yes, i'm finally freaking out. and writing this from my new laptop which is... fancy fancy. it's a mac. i've gone to the other side.

the other freakin side.

i want to cry, die and turn inside out upside down and around and around. negative! i'm fine.

I've been having a nice life. 

I like this picture a lot.

Dear Friends,



Arrrgh...



Lobster and clams on the seaside... yum yum




Matt caught this on his first cast... he (the fish) went back into the ocean shortly after this photo was taken and the other fisherman paraded him down the beach.





I can still feel the wind on my face...


Going back to Boston soon and it's less than a month until Korea.  Time is flying, I'm fairly happy and everything is a whirlwind, just the way I like it.

Sincerely,

Hayley

false lies in the air and this isn't the summer i read about on the ferry ride in early may.  the sun won't burn my skin and what has fallen is upright in a second and i don't want it.  keep me from what makes me happy, just let me go.

another black dress, sweet smile and a handshake with twenty relatives i'm meeting for the first time.  my grandpa laying dead and my grandmother walking me to him, telling me it will make me feel better all to the tune of my psychiatrist pumping me full of addictive drugs that don't numb reality, they just let me let it happen.  his lips are so stiff and i'm unable to decipher my moods. i cannot tell the difference between an earache and a toothache, it's too close. i don't know if depression makes me anxious or if being anxious makes me depressed. i do know that i can pick up the phone again. i can only imagine what it must feel like to be dead.  i feel like i know what it's like to be a widdow.

i know what it feels like to have people walk away from you. i know what it feels like to want to die. i know what it feels like to have it happen over and over. and i know it's my fault, but only some of it.

it's almost time to go. i'm almost on my new crutch, i'm almost living my new lie, i'm almost falling in love all over again.

each year i make and break three friends. this year has been no exception. by the time i am 50 i will have made and broke 75 new friends, if trends are accurate and i continue on this path.

no music sounds good to me.

my brother made friends with the heirs of bumble bee tuna, some 24 year old guys who just bought their own beach on marthas vineyard along with a few houses. they invited me to play with them for a while. i get along with people in extraordinary circumstances almost exclusively.

matt and brad are going to be managing their own restaraunt on the vineyard next summer. my brother is kicking my ass in life.

josh and ava showed up in my bedroom today and took me out to breakfast and then we sat at the pond, swimming and pushing and telling old tales. i still have the water in my ears to prove it.

please let korea not be another mistake. please let me not cut off ties with every single person that has ever meant anything to me. please let me not fall in love before i am about to separate myself entirely. please let me not feel bad for getting away from people who bother me. please please, oh please, i've had enough.

Today was a rough day, the kind that goes by fine but when you sit down and stop for a second it's just time to cry.  It was hard seeing my father, he makes me the weakest. I can walk through anything and handle anything with strength but when it comes to my father I can't bear it.  I love him dearly and the gap between us seems impossible to navigate.  We look at eachother like we know what we have to say, and he hugs me and calls me his little girl and tells me I'm beautiful and he doesn't let go of me and maybe he knows how much I miss having him. It was the hardest part of my day, and losing my father has been the hardest part of my life. I think I make it so far and then I see him and it all comes back.  He is gone and I can't get him back. 

I looked pretty in my funeral dress. And as usual my brother holds me together.  We stick together like glue and he is the skeleton and I am the brain.  It's always will be like that and maybe it always will be.

Jessica came to visit me last night.  I love hear t'death.  My very bestfriends are Chris, Jessica and Alair.  They are the 3 people I am myself around all the time, the 3 people that make sense to me and the 3 people that would do anything for me and vice versa. I'm thankful always to have them in my life.  The most important part of a friendship, I think, is to need and be needed.  Everything else is a bonus.

I drove to Marthas Vineyard to pick up my brother.  I was really excited to see him and we didn't stop talking on the 3 hour ride to the wake.  I'm proud of him and of us.

When I saw my Grandmother she immediately walked me over to my Grandfathers body. I didn't want to look.  He was just so nice and mild mannered all the time and his mouth looked funny.  I couldn't stop looking at it.  It's hard to believe he is gone.

Alair will be here on Thursday just in time to save me and then my summer will be over before I know it.  I wish Chris was here right now. I can tell I'll be making a trip to Seattle very soon.

Some people have been driving me insane lately.  I've decided I'm not going to be friends with anyone I have to try to be friends with.  If it doesn't work naturally there is no point in my trying to make it work. Friendships shouldn't require effort from the very beginning, that's not how it works.

And as a last note, while we're on the theme, it was awesome seeing Robbie in Pittsburgh.  It took a year to let us look at eachother as people and although sometimes I thought I'd lose my mind along the way, and it took a lot of effort and control on my part, it was well worth it.  There are few people that you will be instantly drawn to like that, it'd be foolish to throw them away in the face of confusion. I am proud that we are the friends that we are.

Tomorrow is the funeral and hopefully I'll have got all my tears out before I fall asleep tonight. It's been a long day.

I have had interviews scheduled with Korean schools for tonight and last night.  There is a 12 hour time difference - so that sort of sucks.  They were supposed to call between 8-10 and one of them called at 1 am. I didn't answer. Blah.

The recruiter kept calling today and he is korean with an austrailian accent.  Yeah, you decipher what he said to me and I'll give you 20 bucks.  Anyway, I just got off the phone with one school.  This is pretty much all he said:  "Hello Hayley, your apperance is wonderful.  We love your skin and hair and we want to offer you the highest salary we can.  I will send you the contract in 10 minutes, thank you for your time.  Goodbye!"

UHH.

WTF

I just got back from visiting my psychiatrist who rules.

Anyway, on with the blah blah.

So not only did my Grandpa die today but while I was gone Mr. Butch died which is just really sad. And not only did he die but he died right outside of my house so everytime I walk out the front door I see all of the things people have attached to the pole he crashed into. God. Biggest bummer ever... Allston without Mr. Butch... it's kind of like a God has died.

If anyone else is planning a death soon, this would be a bad week for me. I'm all booked up.

My Grandpa died today.  Ugh.

I am so tired.  One thing I never got used to was falling asleep without exchanging words with someone after hitting the pillow.  Most of the time I talk to myself for a minute before I go to sleep.  I just need a sentence or two, an "it was a really great day" or "wow today kicked my ass".  I don't sleep with my bear anymore because I was having conversations with it before I went to sleep.  When it got past 5 sentences I knew we needed to separate.  The car was far enough, I decided, so that is where he is.  I sleep alone now, like a big girl. It's been a month or two and I'm almost over it.

Now I'm too tired to type.  Today was a good day, livejournal.  Good night.

I made 5 doctors appointments this morning.  My brain, body, vagina and teeth are about to get scrutinized.  Sweet.

I am also packing up stuff to bring to my Moms house and I found some pictures from last year.  I miss my boyfriend.  Not a lot, but I miss smiling like that all the time. It was sweet. Not to say I don't smile..... but you know.

These are all pictures of pictures with a camera phone... but I kind of like them like that.











I've been working on my calender and it's made me pretty happy. I also made an appointment with my old psychiatrist who I like a lot.  I had been avoiding her because the last time I was there we talked about my program at Harvard and she did the same program and she was really psyched.  I've been dreading going back to explain that I dropped out.  Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet - right?

Full moon and Oh My God. Wow.

Promises echo and in a minute everyone is gone and I'm almost a decade late for adolescence. Angst is as arbitrary as it was yesterday but ten years ago it was the fuel that made me. Today I wear it on my back and it's unrelenting weight keeps me from something. It's awkward, backwards, stagnant and unimpressive. It's me in the moment.

I focus on the swearing crowds bellowing the power of forgiveness, welcoming me to their florescent world with promises of fluid movement and peace, the opportunity for love and serenity. Bullshit. It's not that I don't believe you, I think you believe yourself and that is what I don't trust. If I did, I wouldn't have a reason to wake up.

Give me something broken, lead me what has fallen and put me in the face of danger. I'll fix it, pick it back up and meander to safety. And keep it coming. It's the only thing I get into where time is meaningless and passion is never in question. I'm attracted to hell, wastelands and people on the road to their first psychotic break. It's always been like this.

I read an article in the New York Times about a man who lived in a cave in Queens for years until something saved him and gave him his own apartment. The first night at his new place he escaped when it was dark and went home to his cave to sleep. He woke up in his apartment, in his comfortable clean bed wearing boots that were clutching onto the muddy floor of his old home. Our percieved hell, his apparent peace.

Eventually he said thank you and moved back out to live in his cave under the train tracks. It was home and we are what we are. Sometimes we run hard from where we belong and other times we turn around and go back because it seems like there is nowhere else to go. A constant struggle between right and wrong, real and really, true and false.

Most of the time I don't know what I'm running from or where I'm running to, but I feel the wind of the race. Wherever I'm going, or leaving, there is urgency to see me to the end and back again. And to the end and back again. Is life as much of a yo-yo as it sometimes seems? Or am I just over-dramatic and in need of something tangible to size myself up with?

These are the questions without answers that calcify my bones and have turned me into what I am. I'm obsessed with going back and looking for reason and purpose. I want to write a line that makes sense, I want to supply the cited source. But there is nowhere to visit that can tell me the truth I'm looking for. It's all right here and it's all whatever you think it is, or whatever you are told it is depending on how boring you are. It's not that I'm particularly fascinating. I'm just a little different.

Sometimes I'm angry that I cannot be what other people seem to be and other times I'm proud. It's the in between days, today, that are most concerning. The foundation for my future was build and removed and it will be, somehow, the best thing that has happend to me. Wealthy children are at a severe disadvantage but they don't know it until they know it and by then it's over. Poor children are sometimes envious and focused on moving up a social class, or at least wishing. The peace that follows being forcibly removed from privilege is refreshing. But maybe that's just my inclination of needing something to fix speaking. Or the magic of being on both sides. I'm sure I'll go back someday because it's a comfortable and nice world with a lot of room to play, but disadvantage at this point is beneficial and almost necessary. I was lucky enough.

I'm a leading loner, if that is possible. I want what I want when I want it and in between I'm always angry at something. It's when I stop getting mad that things start getting scary.

i've been getting headaches and whenever i look anywhere other than straight ahead i get a sharp shooting pain through my head. actually, on second thought, this computer screen isn't helping anything.

Excuse the horrid picture quality but I've been reduced to cell phone picture taking.








Matthew and Dad







and again...




Petra, Matt, Dad





My Mother looks crazy in this picture. Mom, Hayley, Kristen (cousin)







Matt and Hayley





Hayley and one of my best bestfriends, Jessica







again






All of the cousins and Papa. R to L: Julie, John, David, Joseph, Matt, Kristen, Me & Papa in the back